I don’t know who I am without my boyfriend

Spending every second you can with your boyfriend is amazing, until you realise you have no other personality traits, other than being your boyfriends girlfriend. If you feel like you don’t know who you are without your boyfriend, you’re at the right place. This is not to take away from feeling happy and proud that you are associated with your boyfriend, don’t get me wrong! But finding happiness within yourself, will only strengthen your relationship.

Dilemma:

‘I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and although I love him, I feel like he has become the only thing in my life that I put all my time and effort into. I don’t have any hobbies anymore, I stopped working on myself, I feel like I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him. If we can’t be together in the day, sometimes I find myself so lost, wondering what to do, I get so bored!! This only leads to me being clingy and sending him messages all day! I feel like this is putting a strain on our relationship, because I have been thinking about this often and he can see that there is something wrong.’

Anonymous

If you feel like this too, here’s the solution:

1. First things first. You need to talk to him

Let him know how you are feeling – that you are losing who you are, you don’t prioritise yourself anymore , you feel like you are living your life through your boyfriend, etc. He will not be upset hearing you want to better yourself. Make sure he knows that you will be taking a step back to focus more of your time and energy into yourself, as well as him. Not only will this benefit your relationship, because you are working on yourself, but it will, more importantly, benefit you.

Prioritising yourself doesn’t mean that your relationship will get worse. I guarantee that your boyfriend will be supporting you every step of the way.

Having your own separate lives, passions, hobbies etc is important because it means that you can both grow as individuals, and be better people overall, as well as for each other.

2. Find out what you like

Do you have any passions, hobbies or interests? Anything that you stopped prioritising since you were in a relationship? If nothing is coming to mind, then this is the perfect time to go out and try something new!

You need to receive happiness from other sources, not just your boyfriend. This will guarantee a happier day to day life. Being able to make yourself happy is so important.

New things you could try:

• Reading – book recommendations: http://bigsisterera.com/book-recommendations/
• Painting / drawing
• Working out (Pilates, strength training, yoga, walking)
• Cooking
• Organising
• Journaling
• Learn an instrument
• Learn how to do your makeup
• Learn how to paint your nails
• Learn a new language

3. Take yourself out on solo dates

You need to find ways to be on your own, and make yourself happy. This takes a lot of courage to go somewhere by yourself, so take it step by step, and then build up.

• Go on a walk
• Go shopping
• Go to a drive through and eat the food in your car
• Go to a coffee shop
• Go to a workout class
• Go to a restaurant (scary I know, but you can do it!)

By doing all of these things, it also gives you something else to talk about or think about, other than your boyfriend, that you can tell your friends, family or boyfriend. You don’t need to depend on anyone for your happiness, or to have a special day. You just need yourself. It gives you time to think and reflect on your life and any changes you want to make.

4. Learn something new

This is probably the best one that you can do. With all of these activities you’ve been doing to find your hobbies and passions, you may already know what you want to learn on a deeper level.

Imagine prioritising time for yourself, and you come out of it with an amazing skill, or an extended set of knowledge you didn’t have before. You could even teach your significant other about what you’re learning! That’s something to be so proud of. Anyone in your life would be so proud that you have learnt a new skill, and you never know, you could really benefit or make money off of it later if you get really good.

What to learn?

• Take an online course (in literally anything – there’s courses on drawing, makeup, fitness, gardening, digital skills, painting, health, nutrition… the list goes on)
• Learn a new instrument
• If you have any dream careers in mind, learn the skills you would need to achieve this career

I read a fact that dedicating a minimum of around 20mins a day to a skill for 1 year, would make you better than 90% of people in that skill!

You are the only person that’s going to build a future for yourself that you want. Of course you will get help along the way, but if you know what you want – go out and get it for yourself.

5. Hang out with your friends

You may have lost touch with your friends since being in a relationship. That is totally normal and happens to many people! It is important to recognise this, and make time for your friends, if you feel like they are worth it. They could be feeling the same way if they have a boyfriend, or they could just miss you!

Plus, having someone to talk to could really help put things into perspective by getting a second or third opinion. It also gives you time to build a relationship back up with them.

Having someone else that you can trust and can talk to, and go on dates with is amazing and makes you realise that there is more people out there that are deserving of your time! There are people who would LOVE to hang out with you, because you are AMAZING, don’t limit that by only showing it to one person!

6. Organise your time

Now that you have all of these things going on, you can organise your time between learning new skills, solo dates, and spending time with your boyfriend.

This will make spending time with your boyfriend more special, because you will be happier within yourself, you will feel proud of yourself, which will be amazing to share with your boyfriend!

The time you do get to spend with your boyfriend now will be more special as you can treat it more like a date / a break from the hard work you have been putting in for yourself.

Furthermore, you won’t find yourself getting bored the days you don’t see him, because your schedule will be full of things that you can prioritise!

Just remember that you are amazing, you have so many amazing attributes and are a unique person. You are capable of great things if you put your mind to it. Don’t let anyone or anything hold you back.

I hope this has helped to remind you to prioritise yourself, and know your worth! I know you are capable of great things and I am so proud of you!

p.s If you are really struggling, don’t hesitate to get professional help, so you can become the baddie that I know you are <3

If you have any topics/dilemmas you want me to talk about make sure you leave a comment below or contact me!