Why haven’t I found my close group of girl friends yet?

This post is as much for me as it is for you. See this as my digital diary, I am just going to get out all of my feelings and thoughts about this topic. And hopefully you can relate to this. So lets get into it… why haven’t I found my close group of girl friends yet?

So lets talk about my friend history.

I was best friends with a girl from primary school, and we remained friends for 10years (up until I was 16).

I thought I would always be friends with this girl, but people grow apart and unfortunately lose contact.

Since losing this friend, I have struggled to make genuine close friendships, especially with girls.

I was SO close with this girl, we did everything together, I could totally be myself around her, and now that I’ve been thrown into the friend pool alone, I’m like okay how do I get to that stage again where I feel that comfortable around someone?

Throughout the rest of the school years I felt so lost and alone. I had friends, but none as close as her. I could talk to anyone don’t get me wrong and everybody liked me – I even won the nicest and happiest award in sixth form (even though I definitely didn’t feel happy on the inside.) But I knew that I wasn’t their first, second or even third choice. I didn’t get invited to any close parties or sleepovers, cinema trips or meals.

So I spent most of the end of my school years with my family.

I did feel really alone during this time and thought to myself why can I not just find someone who wants to do everything with me. I am nice to everyone and always treat people how I want to be treated. So what am I doing wrong?

Even following on to uni, I went in so excited, because I was like okay this is my time, I’m going to make that close group of friends and I am going to make so many memories.

But as the months were going on in uni ,when I was trying so hard to make friends, they all seemed to be making closer friends with each other, forming their own little groups, and going out together. And I was just stuck by myself.

Again, it was like school, everybody liked me, they all spoke to me and I spoke to them. But when it came down to it, I was never invited anywhere, or saved a seat in class.

Nearing the end of uni now, I’m swiftly realising that everyone on my course is very different to me, and maybe that’s why we weren’t as close as I would have liked.

But I knew that I didn’t want to force fake friendships either, so I just let it go.

So here I am now. I have a few girl friends who I love and am so grateful for thats okay. You don’t need a massive group of friends and on the flip side, you don’t need to have one close friend. You don’t NEED any one specific thing.

Friendships are different for everyone, even if it’s your family, as long as you have a support system who you know you can go to, then that’s all you need. :))

Bigsiseterera

So what have I been doing about it?

Reflection

Firstly… I have allowed myself to be upset, to have my down days, to cry, to ask myself why aren’t I good enough for people, why do they not want to be close with me, what if I don’t ever find that group of girls I can hang out with, blah blah blah. I have allowed myself to think and ask it all.

But that got to a point where I was very emotionally drained from crying all the time and feeling so low.

When you always think of the negative, you only see the negative.

I was repeating the same questions and feeling the same emotions day in and day out and nothing was changing. So that’s when I turned to journaling.

I have journaled every thought and feeling I have felt (which has helped massively by the way.) I have a ‘feelings journal’ where I just brain dump all of my emotions, feelings, experiences etc, so I can get everything out.

When I do this, I already feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Journaling allows me to also work through my emotions and my thought processes. It allows me to read everything back, see what I can do better and if I’m overthinking in certain areas (which I usually am because I’m a massive over thinker).

It allows me to grow, instead of staying in the same place that I was in before, never getting better.

Journaling example

From asking myself am I not a good enough friend, I will take a different pen, and essentially reply to my own question. Think of replying to someone you already know and care deeply about.

So I would say ‘you are a good enough friend, you treat everyone kindly, and how you would want to be treat, you don’t gossip or talk about people behind their backs. You are a good friend’.

I took myself out of the victim mindset, and I understood that everything is meant to happen for a reason.

If I know that I’m being kind and treating people nicely, then I know that I just haven’t found my people yet. And that I will eventually.

Talk to someone or talk to family

My family honestly got me through the toughest times.

I did cry to them and get all of my emotions out to them. And I know that I am very lucky to have an amazing family like that to help me.

Even if it’s just to cuddle me when I was upset.

Having someone to reassure me and remind me of who I am deep down as a person really helped me.

I know not everyone is as fortunate to have an amazing family who they feel comfortable to talk to. So talking to someone like a therapist or a specialist would be really helpful.

I know for me, I wouldn’t like going to a therapist in person and sitting in an office – I have anxiety just thinking about that.

But there are ways you can speak to people on the phone or on a video chat from the comfort of your own room.

This can be comforting knowing that you don’t have to show your face, and that you have someone that is totally unbiased, and can see the situation from a different perspective.

But honestly, just getting out your feelings can be really helpful and make you realise that you’re not alone and there are probably other people going through the same situation.

I would also see if there are any groups to join (either online or in person) of other girls going through the same thing – because I know for a fact that there are so many people struggling to make friends, especially in their 20s.

Look for the positives in everything

I know you’re probably thinking, how could there possibly be a positive in this.

But I needed to do this to stop constantly thinking about the negatives.

When I lost my close friend (and the group that came with her), I felt like I was left with no one. But that’s not the case.

I had my family, and honestly, I appreciated them a lot more during this time. The situation brought me a lot closer to them – which is a huge positive considering I was already close with them.

I was overlooking the fact that I actually did have a best friend, in my mam, dad, brother and sister.

Other things to be grateful for:

• Waking up
• Being able to move your body
• The feeling of a morning stretch
• The ability to feel emotions
• Working on yourself
• Sipping your favourite drink in the day
• Eating your favourite food

What are the positives of losing a friend/feeling like you don’t have anyone close?

• Friends are brought into your life for a reason, sometimes they aren’t meant to last forever.
• Maybe now you’re on your own, it’s time for you to focus on your friends
• Maybe there was something that was making you unhappy and now you can start fresh.
• You literally have a clean start, so whoever you meet you can be fully yourself and see how it goes.
• Maybe they were bringing you down.
• The universe has put you on a different path.
• Remember that the most successful people have a close inner circle.
• Maybe they weren’t good enough for you.
• Maybe you actually need to evaluate how you were as a friend.

Make yourself happy first

Instead of thinking about how you wish you could have someone to do a pamper night with, or someone to go shopping, or the cinema with… go yourself.

It’s true that if you can’t make yourself happy, you can’t make anyone else happy. So when you figure out how to make yourself happy, if a friend comes along they will just add to that!

So take this time to do things that you enjoy.

Things you could do:

• Go to the cinema
• Have a pamper night
• Have a movie night
• Go shopping
• Go for a meal (I know it will feel strange, but you will look mysterious and people will definitely think you’re cool)
• Find a hobby and role with it
• Visit a museum
• Go on walks

Honestly, being by myself taught me that I actually love my own company. I don’t need to have plans all the time, I can do something fun by myself and I will enjoy it.

When you see a cool girl walking by herself, looking really confident, isn’t afraid to be by herself, just really embraces who she is… you just want to be friends with her (at least I do). So be confident in yourself!

We often need so much stimulation for our brain, by talking or listening to music or a podcast. So mastering how to be left alone with your thoughts, especially in this generation when we always need stimulation, is very hard and impressive.

And you will honestly learn more about yourself than you think. (That’s why I also love journaling, because it’s just you and your thoughts, the good the bad and the ugly.

To be honest, the more I am confident in myself and feel like I don’t need to constantly be searching for friends and impressing people, the more friends I am gaining.

You get to decide who you want to be friends with

As I have dealt with losing friendships and starting fresh, I realised that I literally have the power to choose who I want to be friends with.

Being in my 20s, everyone my age is going out, drinking, and that’s pretty much it.

I am not the biggest fan of going out and drinking all the time. I will occasionally, but not all the time. So I know that I’m not going to find my life long friend in a night club.

My interests are:

• Reading
• Drawing
• Nails
• Walking
• Fitness
• Food freedom
• Travelling
• Makeup and skincare
• Making things girly
• Pink
• Journaling
• Self love and growth
• Cute little cafes
• Drinking matcha
• Bettering myself
• P.s if anyone has these interests – I love you already.

So if I meet anyone who likes these things, I know they have potential lol.

I am literally putting every new person I meet through trial runs of being my friend.

Why? Because I know my worth and what I want.

Just to give an example to show you what I mean:

I was getting closer to these girls And thought they were really nice, until they started making fun of another girl we know. Yes they didn’t know this other girl very well, but all the more reason to not make fun of her?!

That’s why I came up with the idea of literally trialing people if I want them to be my friend. Because after I thought these girls had potential, they started doing that, and I just thought, there’s no way I can be a part of this.

So I know it may sound a little dramatic. But I am not going to get close to anyone who A. I don’t fully trust and B. Drag other people down.

I have heard this saying before ‘you are who you surround yourself with’ and so I am now very selective of who I spend my time with.

I talk more about uni in this post if you are interested: http://bigsisterera.com/unexpected-things-no-one-tells-you-about-uni/

Talk to me

I know first hand how it feels, to feel like you’re so alone and have no one to talk to. If you need someone to gossip too, talk about books, tv shows, nails, literally anything, just to feel like you have a friend, then I am here!

You can reach out to me on multiple platforms, the first being through my contact page (http://bigsisterera.com/contact/)

Instagram (https://instagram.com/bigsisterera_?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=)

Lemon8 (https://v.lemon8-app.com/s/sbQmsvky)