5 tips on how to heal from a breakup

Break-ups are arguably one of the hardest and most common situations that people go through. Spending all of your time with someone, to never seeing them is confusing, heart breaking, lonely – overall not a nice feeling, especially if you weren’t the one to initiate it (although initiating it can be hard too). So here’s 5 tips on how to heal from a break up.

I was with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. We were so happy together, spending all of our time together, with each others families, spending our birthdays together, going on holidays together, double dates, cosy nights in… it was perfect… until a few months ago.

I am still in uni, and my boyfriend has just got a full time job, so we can’t see each other as often. I would say we have both grown together as people, as we got together when we were 17 and are now 20 and 21. However, ever since my boyfriend got his full time job, I feel he looks down on me a little bit because I’m still at uni.

A few months ago, I noticed he was being quite distant with me, wasn’t answering my messages, cancelling plans, not including me in Halloween, and just being off with me.

This went on for a few months, until eventually he told me that he thinks he’s falling out of love with me, but still loves me?

I am still absolutely devastated and heartbroken. I still love him and I am finding it really hard. We had publicly broken up, however we were still secretly seeing each other until a few weeks ago, because he said that he isn’t ready to let me go.

I know this was wrong to let him do this, but I just couldn’t and still can’t stand the thought of living without him.

We have now stopped meeting up and don’t see each other anymore, because I think he’s finally moved on and is telling me I should move on too. I feel like this is unfair because he was giving me hope and now he’s telling me to move on.

I found out that during our break up, when we were still secretly seeing each other, he slept with someone else.

This has broke my heart even more, because it feels like he’s cheated on me as we were still romantically seeing each other, even though we were broken up to everyone else.

I still find myself stalking him on social media to see where he is and who he’s with. I can’t stop thinking about him. I am in my last year of uni and have so much work and pressure right now, that this being added on top has felt like the straw that’s broke the camels back.

I still love him and I don’t know what to do.

anonymous

Firstly, this sounds devastating and my heart goes out to you. If anyone else reads this and is in a similar position, hopefully this post can help. Going through a break up at any time sucks, never mind in your early 20s when you feel like you also have the weight of the world on you, and so many pressures about growing up.

Here are my 5 tips to help you heal from a break up:

1. Allow yourself to grieve / do what you need to do

No one, and I mean absolutely no one, can switch off their feelings like a switch and be expected to move on, glow up, live life without feeling upset about their break up and be totally fine.

It is okay to be sad, it is okay to grieve. Because realistically, you have just lost someone from your life. You are allowed to grieve their absence.

You need to be kind to yourself, and understand that you have these emotions because you are human. No matter how much you want to avoid your feelings they are still there.

Allowing yourself to grieve, will mean that you can gradually grieve less as time goes on. Rather than not allowing yourself to grieve and having your emotions build up, until they explode and you feel like you’re back to square one.

Ways to allow yourself to grieve:

• Have a good old cry. Get all of your emotions out. It could take days, weeks or months to be able to go one night without crying, but you will get there.
• Allow yourself to be unproductive. You may have a lot of uni work to do, but you also need to be kind to yourself. Have a few days, maybe even a week off, until you have a little bit more energy to do something productive.
• Watch movies about going through break ups. Even if it is a made up character that you relate to, you know there are other people going through the same thing. How do they turn out at the end of the movie? Exactly, they have somehow either found the love of their life, got their dream job or just had a major glow up. Think of your break up as part of the plot in your own movie.
• Listen to sad songs. There will be songs about your situation right now. Another indicator of you not being alone in what you’re going through. Listening to sad songs is guaranteed to make you cry, which could make you feel better when you get all of your tears out.
• Talk to someone. A close friend or family member. Or someone who is going through / has been through the same thing, will help you know you’re not alone. You can see it from other peoples perspectives and see how they have dealt with things.
• Go out. The whole thing of wanting to go out and party after a break up is normal and if that’s what you want to do, then allow yourself to do that.
  • I constantly hear ‘why are they always going out they were doing so well with uni’. NO, in the period of time when you are hurting, you can do what you need to do to make yourself feel better! (Although I would refrain from posting on your story – trust me you will regret it).

2. Prioritise your mental and physical health

Now that you have got all of your grieving out, and you’re feeling like you want to start getting back into the swing of things, you can prioritise your mental and physical health.

After weeks of sitting in bed, eating ice cream, drinking alcohol, and not getting much fresh air, you’re probably in need of some good TLC.

Small steps you can take to getting back on the right track: think about getting 1% better everyday.

• Stretch for 5 minutes everyday. Let’s get the body used to some movement.
• Small walks every day or as often as you can. You can listen to a motivational podcast, or your favourite upbeat songs.
• Make one healthy balanced meal a day. Honestly your body will thank you.
• Go to the gym. If you enjoy going to the gym or just doing home workouts, you may as well use the extra time you now have.
• Hang out with friends. Whoever makes you happy, spend time with them. Socialising can make you feel better.
• Journal. You may not want to talk to anyone. Journaling is a good way to get all of your emotions out.
• Drink water. After all of the tears you have most likely shed, it will be good to rehydrate yourself.

All of this free time that you now have because you’re not with him, use that time to better yourself.

Remember that if it’s always sunshine then you’ll be like a desert, you need rain to allow things to bloom.

These hard times are shaping you into a better person, although you may not see it now, this is what was meant to happen to you. Everything happens for a reason.

3. Out of sight out of mind

• Block them
• Delete your photos with them on your phone
• Get rid of all their clothes in your room
• Get rid of photo frames, and presents with a lot of sentiment (or at least put them away in a box)

This one is a really hard step. Possibly the hardest.

But if you’re constantly being reminded of them, or all of the good memories, then you will never get over them.

You need to focus on the present and stop living in the past.

Whenever you feel yourself wanting to look at that photo, or read that cute card, or smell his hoodie… REFRAIN and do something for yourself. It could be anything, like:

• Tell yourself 5 things you love about yourself
• Tell yourself 5 things you’re grateful for
• Listen to your favourite song
• Do some push ups – might as well be getting stronger mentally and physically
• Tell you’re loved ones that you love them
• Make plans with your friends

4. Time is the best healer

You’ve heard it before, but it really is true.

Focus on the small steps listed above to make yourself feel better, and before you know it, a year will have passed by, and not only are you over your ex, but you’ve became a whole new, better person.

I know hearing that time will heal you is annoying, because you’re thinking I just want to be healed now, I can’t endure more time in pain. But if you think about it, time is guaranteed, which also means that your healing is guaranteed. So you know for a fact that you are going to get better.

Think about 1 year ago and how quickly that passed, and then realise that another year will be over in a flash.

Try to enjoy these moments by yourself, although I know it will be hard. As humans we feel pain, but we also feel happiness and love. You won’t be able to feel the impact and the highs of happiness and love, unless you feel the impact and the lows of pain and sadness.

Try to find one thing everyday that makes you happy and keep a journal or take a photo of it. It could be anything:

• The feeling of putting on comfy socks
• The sun coming out
• Pretty flowers
• A stranger laughing so much they make you laugh
• Wrapping up warm in the cold weather
• Lighting and smelling your favourite candle
• Putting on your favourite perfume

There is so many things everyday that we do and overlook, but when you start to become really intentional, you realise that there can be joy in little things.

After 1 month, 2 month, a year, you can look back on your journal or your photos and see everything that made you happy.

When you start looking for things that could make you happy, more things make you happy.

5. You can make decisions for YOU!

When you’re in a relationship, you have to think about your partner when making decisions.

Everything you do in a relationship is a reflection on your partner too.

So now, you can literally do whatever you want, and you don’t need to think about anyone’s feelings but your own.

You have so many amazing things you can do without even thinking about someone else:

• Solo travel or travel with friends
• Move to a different city
• Move to a different country for a few months
• Have a summer romance
• Go to festivals with your friends
• Apply for that job you’ve always thought about taking
• Hang out with whoever you want
• Wear whatever you want

And yes, I know you can do these things when you do have a relationship, but you don’t have to worry about checking in on them, asking if they’re comfortable with this or that, having constant communication etc.

I hope these tips helped, and want you to know that you are going to be okay and you will get through this. I have my email on my contact page, or the comments below if anyone wants to reach out.

We’re all in this together! Thank you for reading <3