Buckle up for this relationship dilemma, because it’s a SHOCKER! Here’s how to deal with your boyfriend cheating on you… with your new uni flat mate.
I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 year and it’s been going well. We decided to go on holiday to Greece together and I was really looking forward to it!!
We ended up having an argument whilst on holiday, he ended up BOOKING TO STAY THE NIGHT IN ANOTHER HOTEL.
So I stayed in our original room by myself, and he slept in another hotel.
We end up figuring things out and all is going well. I move out of my house into uni accommodation as it is my first year of uni and I want to get the full experience.
I end up talking to one of my new flat mates, just generally speaking about our lives, getting to know each other… I mention I have a boyfriend and I show her a picture of him.
Keeping in mind that I have never met this girl before.
She tells me that he seems so familiar, so she asks if we went to Greece together in June, to which I replied yes…
She then tells me that she went to the same place as us in June at the same time!!! And then tells me that she is almost POSITIVE that she slept with my boyfriend on that holiday, when he was staying in the other hotel!!!!
I was SO shocked, I couldn’t believe it! Firstly him cheating on me… and then finding out it’s with my flat mate!!! And I’m now living with her!!
What am I going to do!!??
anonymous
I was SO shocked when I heard this, my jaw literally dropped! The chances of this happening is just crazy!
So what to do…
Find out what the girl is thinking
So I would have a long chat with her and find out EVERYTHING.
Find out what he said to her about you, or if he just totally didn’t mention he had a girlfriend. Literally just try and get every detail out of her (but be understanding that she isn’t in the wrong), because when it comes to talking with your boyfriend, you want to make sure both stories line up!
Find out if they are still in contact.
Find out what she thinks about it… because what she thinks about it, will decide whether you want her to be your friend, or if you want to avoid her at all costs. I know she’s not the one to blame, because she had no loyalties to you, but you still wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who stays in contact with him and is part of an overall uncomfortable situation.
If her reaction is supportive of you, then at least you have made a friend out of this situation!
Don’t compare yourself to her
It can be easy in this situation to compare yourself to the other girl, and think about what she has that you don’t have… but you need to try your best to not compare yourself.
Learn that him cheating, is in no way because of you, it’s because of him. It says more about his lack of respect, lack of care, insecurity in himself, and just overall cowardice of him, than it ever will say about your appearance and who you are as a person.
Know that what you look like, has absolutely nothing to do with him cheating. Look at Beyoncé, look at Jennifer Aniston, do you think they were cheated on because they didn’t look good enough for a man? The answer is no.
They cheat for many different reasons, and in this situation, I think the cheating was because he was insecure and needed another female to validate him. Because one argument led him to feeling so insecure and in need of physical contact from someone else to make him feel like he can still get another girl.
Remember that you aren’t like her, and she is not like you. There are no two people the same, and that is the most beautiful thing in the world. Stay confident, keep your head up and remember your worth.
Talk to him
Okay so the dreaded conversation…
You have found this out, and he is blissfully unaware thinking he’s gotten away with cheating, because what are the chances someone you cheat on your girlfriend with miles and miles away, ends up being your girlfriends flat mate? Literally next to none.
Approach him confidently, and ask him if he has cheated. You can bring up the girl if he starts denying it, or to further back up your knowledge.
I know there could be some cases where the girl could lie (they must be a psychopath or really want you two to break up), so you need to go into the conversation with an open mind.
Listen to your gut feeling. When you were on that holiday and he chose to book another hotel and leave you alone, how did that make you feel. Your gut will often tell you that something isn’t right.
When this girl told you that he cheated on you, and you automatically connected the dots, it seemed like you knew that it was true. Your gut feeling is, most of the time, right.
What to say to him?
Cut straight to the point. Ask him, when you were on holiday together, and he stayed in another hotel, did he cheat on you.
See what his reaction is, and then tell him that a girl has approached you saying she was the one you slept with.
In this case, I don’t think the girl is lying, I don’t think she would have any motive to lie, so just try and get all of the information you can. But I think you’re pretty adamant that he definitely has cheated on you in the instance.
Stay strong, and do not show him any sympathy. No matter what his reasoning is, no matter if he got drunk because you had an argument and he claims he made a mistake by cheating on you… that is unforgivable.
Even if you are willing to forgive him and give him a second chance, make him wait a while. During this break from him, while things are in limbo, ask yourself if you feel happier without him, if you feel like there is someone better for you out there, and take this time to really question what you want.
And if he doesn’t even wait for you, then he has done the work for you, you know he’s definitely not right for you and you can forget about him.
If you haven’t already… dump him
This BOY does not deserve your time, effort, tears, anything. For him to cheat after one inconvenience, especially on holiday when you can’t really get away from each other, and you’d want to be enjoying the holiday you paid for, sparks the question of has he cheated before? Because if it was that easy for him to do it then, then what’s to say he hasn’t done it before.
You need to know your worth and prioritise yourself fully.
Think about all of the red flags.
Remember how he’s made you feel. You don’t want a boyfriend who makes you feel like that. Take your feelings out of the situation that could cloud your judgment – if that was your sister, you wouldn’t want her to be with him.
Breaking up with someone is harder to do than saying it is, because you start to think of all of the good things in the relationship and think maybe it could be worth staying, but try and remember how you’re feeling right now.
ALSO remember that he has kept this from you, since your holiday, to you moving away for uni. He has stayed with that guilty conscience and not told you a thing. Once a cheater always a cheater.
So block him, dump him, and get rid of him from your life.
Journal / keep a notes tab open
Anytime you want to text him, call him, feel the need to tell him something, or scream at him… take your journal or your phone, write the date, and then write what you want to say.
This will prevent you from finding a way to text him (because you have hopefully blocked him) and also means that you can get everything out.
At the start, your journal or notes app might be filled to the brim! You might be writing in it 24/7, and that’s okay. You probably have a lot of things on your chest!
Eventually, as time goes on, you won’t be writing in your journal or your notes app as much. You wont be feeling the anger you felt, and you won’t feel the need to text him or give him a piece of your mind, every day, about him cheating on you.
I can guarantee, this will feel worse for him if you completely losing contact with him, than if you were to text him long angry paragraphs. Because then he will be thinking that you still care about him (you might but he doesn’t need to know this!). Whereas if you totally cut him off, he’ll be thinking wow she really doesn’t need me, she’s really moved on and doesn’t think about me at all.
That is the best revenge.
Fresh start
You’re just starting uni now, it’s like a new chapter of your life. Use this time to have a fresh start, meet new people, and put yourself first.
There’s so many exciting things coming for you, like redecorating your dorm room, having your own little sanctuary, meeting new friends, going out, getting to have a whole new routine!!
The fact that you will have a whole new routine from when you lived at home is so good. Because the times that you would usually go out with him, or text him, don’t exist anymore. You are totally starting fresh.
Make new habits.
Like I was saying with routines, what I mean by that is, your old routine could look something like: when you’re brushing your teeth, you automatically texted him. But now you’re in a totally different space your brain doesn’t have those cues anymore.
So make tons of new habits that benefit you, like instead of texting him, you read affirmations, or say what you’re grateful for.
Allow yourself to grieve
You will be going through all of the tough stages of a break up, but amplified because of the cheating. Grieving is one of those stages..
I write more on how to deal with a break up (http://bigsisterera.com/5-tips-on-how-to-heal-from-a-break-up/).
You are human, so of course you are going to be upset, because you have feelings! It is okay and take as much time as you need to feel like you can start healing.
Whatever helps you, whether that is watching movies in bed and eating Ice cream, staying in your own little space that you have made for yourself because you’re not ready to go out yet – that’s totally fine.
Make yourself happy
For you to finally be happy again, you need to learn how to not depend on anyone else to make you happy.
With all of this time to yourself, you can focus on things that you enjoy.
Do you have any hobbies or things that you wished you had more time to do?
This is your time!
Things you could do:
- Learn an instrument
- Read (http://bigsisterera.com/book-recommendations/)
- Paint / draw
- Join a fitness class
- Join a club / society at uni
- Learn a skill
Whatever your heart desires. This is really the time to work on yourself, and do the things you enjoy.
Thank you for reading <3
If you need someone to talk to, I will link ways to get in touch with me down below. I am not a professional, but I am a good listener and can also be an unbiased source for you to go to for an opinion.
I have supported people around me that have gone through break ups and boyfriends cheating, and I will support you too.
Contact me through:
Email: http://bigsisterera.com/contact/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/bigsisterera_?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Lemon8: https://v.lemon8-app.com/s/sbQmsvky
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@bigsisterera?_t=8bn2TXpqFoI&_r=1
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